Marks of the Progressive Church

Marks of the Progressive Church

This tweet from Aaron Edwards got me thinking about this thing called 'Progressive Christianity'.

 

tweet by aaron edwards

 

It's difficult to define or explain what Progressive Christianity or what a Progressive Church is as there seems to be a continuum of beliefs and practices. So I though it would be easier to look at some of the indicative marks of a Progressive Church or a Progressive Christian.

God is Love

This is common across the spectrum of Progressivism. It sounds good but it does require some explaining.

The word Love used in this context needs to be pronounced 'Luurve'. Imagine it being pronounced by Barry White after a marathon session of 40 Benson & Hedges, sort of gives you the idea?

Also the word Love here is not derived from the Greek Eros or Agape but is instead a conjunction of the two concepts. It can't be described from the Greek as the Greeks were obviously too brutish to embrace such a concept and as such no word existed back then. So the word used nowadays to describe this concept is 'WooWoo'. This prescribes well to Progressive scriptures such as 'WooWoo is all you need' from St Lennon.

Repentance

This is where the Progressive Church really does turn the world upside down! 

When a repentant sinner comes before the church seeking forgiveness the Progressive Church invokes this new Rite of the 'Sprinkling of the WooWoo'. This rite involves the clergy flagellating themselves and haranguing the congregation for being so nasty and labelling the sinner a sinner. This is to dispel the spirit of Gammon from the church, and also handily does away with any need of repentance from the sinner.

The Bible

The Progressive Church looks upon the Bible akin to how someone in financial trouble looks upon a bill. They know what's in there is important but either won't open it or only read the bits that don't remind them of the trouble they're in. And only selected scriptures can be shared publicly or used in Divine Service.

The Creeds

Let's face it, the Nicene Creed (381 Edition) isn't very nice! All that talk of 'Father' and 'sin', God help us! There is only one creed we abide by now, the very nice Sparkly Creed!

The Rainbow

Gone are the days of teaching children that the rainbow is a symbol of God's promise to people not to smite them again. Now the rainbow is a promise that the louder your virtue the higher will be your standing in the congregation of the inclusive. May also be used as clerical garb but only as long as there's 6 colours.

Preaching

Expository preaching is just so out of date nowadays. Imagine spouting hatred from those bits of the bible that you're embarrassed about! Keep the sermon on topic, remember, it's all about love love, love!

Hymns

Out go the old favourites in the Progressive Church! They belong to the age of bigotry and patriarchy! Instead all hymns now need to be rewritten through the lens of whatever the flavour of the month is.

And as for Christmas Carols! We're having none of that. There's one approved album for this church. Included are the new favourites such as "Kick The Balls (of Patriarchy)', 'Oh Sexism!, and Good Queen Wenceslas. Hyrrs not Hymns: Feminist Christmas songs that stick it to the patriarchy (creativereview.co.uk)

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